23 September 2011

Bad Apples: And other fruit related misery

Well, hockey's back. Kind of.

It's the pre-season. Honestly, I've never been a big fan of the preseason. Sure, it's the methadone that keeps us from scraping our eyeballs out of our faces just as we hit the peak of hockey withdrawal. But the games are meaningless, lacking the emotional punch that fills 82 nights a year. The rosters are a fragment of their regular season selves, so you can't take a team's performance on any given night as a sign of things to come. The games are rarely broadcast properly, sometimes leading to a sickening case of hockey blue balls. Pre-season is kind of like sitting through a shitty warm up band waiting for The Victorious Secrets to blow your mind. It may satiate you for a minute or two, but quickly you're thinking "lets just get this fucking show on the road."

Well, as it turns out, perhaps it would have been better to just skip it this year. In a disgusting show of what is most likely vile racism, an individual in the audience of the Wings v. Flyers game in London, Ontario tossed a banana peel on the ice as Wayne Simmonds was approaching Jordan Pearce for the shootout. Now, there's a possibility that this wasn't a racist statement. Of course, that would require that the John Labatt Centre concession stands break from the norm of selling nachos, beer, and a variety of encased meats to offer fruits to their hockey watching patrons. Assuming the venue hasn't decided to buck the trend, it means the now-infamous thrower brought his fruit from home, chose a banana over a more easily concealable fruit, and just happened to toss it on the ice during the time that the only black skater was on the ice, essentially by himself.

So, yes, it's very likely this act was a flat out display of the kind of ignorance usually reserved for Tea Party rallys and YouTube comments. There's no indication yet as to who the tosser was. Arena authorities failed to catch or identify the responsible party. There is no word on whether the bigot was a Flyers fan, a Red Wing faithful, or a lunatic from London II: The Quickening (if it's good enough for Highlander, it's good enough for city names). No matter. Whatever this person's allegiance, one thing is for certain: he or she is not representative. Rather, he's just a total dick.

Now, as appalled as I am, I must temper this criticism a bit. You see, tonight, the infamous tosser made a statement. I personally strongly believe in the right to free expression, and while I strongly disagree with the sentiment, I will fully defend the right to make such a statement, no matter how vile, disgusting, or offensive it may be.

But only so I can say shit like this:

The Winged Wheel's List of Shit to Say to the Banana Tossing Jagoff
  • A banana? You fucking brought a banana? What, you were sitting at home, angrily masturbating to a black and white photograph of George Wallace, thinking "how can I express my blind rage!?" You took a look at the NHL schedule and figured you'd make a statement. Who can blame you? What better place than a pre-season hockey game, played in neutral territory smack dab in the middle of National Tree Week, broadcast to literally tens of rabid fans? And what better way to express your rage than half eaten fruit? Now, that's how to change the hearts and minds of all the politically correct assholes unwilling to engage in a race war. That'll get them up out of their seats and into the streets. A banana. During the most meaningless part of the most meaningless game of the least popular major sport. 
  • I'm sure it must have taken a great deal of planning to figure out how to get the banana peel in to the stadium. I have to assume you keister stashed it. Then, of course, you threw only a peel on to the ice. Obviously a peel alone would be rather difficult to really get up there. So, logically, you must have used the full banana. Now, a smart guy like you must realize carrying around an unpeeled banana after the deed leaves you exposed to being caught. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I hope you thoroughly enjoyed yumming down your ass-banana.
  • Speaking of things being uncomfortably positioned up your ass, go fuck yourself with the business end of a framing hammer.
  • I hope the satellite currently plummeting from space breaks into just enough pieces to crash into and violently tear apart everyone you've ever loved. 
  • Considering your intellectual capacity is hovering somewhere around that of a feral dog, I truly hope someone leaves an open bucket of anti-freeze near your residence. 
  • It would prove the existence of a kind and loving God if you developed a grenade sized hemorrhoid that was equally explosive. 
  • Now, I don't mean to imply that I sincerely wish you find yourself facing a very early and painful demise, surrounded by exactly zero people, the sum total of your loved ones, realizing your life has been empty and meaningless, truly coming to the conclusion of what a horrible person you are, devoid of any value but replete with disgusting, hateful bile. No. I mean to say it outright. I hope you die alone.
All that and more. I don't care what color jersey the guy/girl had on, or where s/he calls home. He's a fuckmouth. If he happened to be there supporting the Wings, he failed. Not only that, but he's no true Wings fan. 

No. True Wings fans are those that chip in for a damn good cause. Now, I know Norton Sports is collecting money as a reward to whoever turns in the cocktwat responsible, but let me suggest a better focus for your effort:

That's right, we're still collecting donations for The Winged Wheel's Who's Got The Biggest Charity Boner Contest. Up for grabs is a jersey signed by Hank Zetterberg, and pride and honor for outdonating the Blackhawks. Now, I'll be honest, right now the Hawks are ahead. This means this honorable site's banner is likely going to be molested by The Bandwagon, and you'll have to hear some song dedicated to their bandwagony glory. Ungood. 

So, pony up. Do it quick. By the time the puck drops against The Moustache, the contest will be up. Just as a refresher:

How Can I Demonstrate My Throbbing Charity Boner?
  • Go to the Learning Through Giving Cause Page, join the cause through Facebook, and donate to your heart's content. As the administrator, Mike will record your donation, and secure your entry.
  • If you aren't all hip with the Facebooks, or you just don't want to use it for some reason, you can make a direct donation through the Learning Through Giving Cause Page, without signing in. If you do that, however, you'll need to send your information and the amount you donated to me at  so that we can record your entry.
  • You can also send a check made out to Genesis Therapy Center (put Schools Program in the Memo line) at the following address:
Genesis Therapy Center
6006 W. 159th St, Bldg. C
Oak Forest, IL 60452
(Again, if you choose to donate this way, send me an  to confirm your entry)

All payments are completely secure, and all donations are Tax Deductible. If you'd like a receipt, just email me and I'll make sure that happens for you. 

All entries before puck drop for the Wings season opener on October 7th against Paul MacLean's moustache will be entered into the contest. 

Email me or inquire on the twitters (@captnorris5) if you have any questions. Also, if you've got something to donate to raffle off as well to sweeten the pot and help entice even more good deeds, shoot me an email and we can put it up.

Also, while you're at it, go ahead and "Like" this shindig on the book of faces by clicking here.

Hustle up. Because damnit, if you don't... the racists win.

...is it fucking October yet?
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