30 July 2010

The Modano Mess: Hysteria in Hockeytown

Also known by its non alliterative (read: non-douchey) title:
  • "Everyone just calm the fuck down about Mike Modano."
I've written here before I fell off the face of the Internet, stating that I wouldn't mind seeing Mike Modano slap on a Winged Wheel and skate for Detroit next season. Sure enough, days later, Kenny Holland was talking about his interest in the former Stars star, and Mikey Mo was visiting Hockeytown about his future. Excitement began to stir a bit. Personally, I was rather worried. If Modano happened to sign in Detroit, then I would have potentially written something mildly insightful, and it would likely be a sign of the impending apocalypse.

That aside, the prospect of the Greatest American Forward to have played the game taking the ice for the Wings was pretty exciting. Many people agreed, and some differed. And then, Mike did the unthinkable.
  • He didn't immediately cream himself at the prospect of playing for a new team in the first time in his career at the age of 40.
Panic ensued. Riots assembled. People gathered their brooms and officially declared shenanigans. In short: everyone lost their shit.

Color me confused. Now, I fully recognize the extent of the hypocrisy I'm exhibiting here in chiding Wings fans for overreacting about something Wings related. The very concept sends my stomach-encompassing hockey-ulcer into hysterics. But really: did absolutely anyone expect an instant decision from the guy?

Modano is 40 years old. He's coming off a season where he battled injuries and saw limited ice time. He's played his entire career with one franchise. At the end of last season, absolutely everyone simply assumed the guy was going to hang his skates up for good. Then, at the beginning of free agency there was a little bit of talk about him coming to Detroit. Now, nobody can understand why he wouldn't immediately sign a contract.

Modano has said that he's going to make a decision some time after 05 August, when he'll resume skating. He wants to see how he feels; see if he still has the energy and the drive to play for a full season of hockey. To me, that seems pretty reasonable. It's not like he's tying up the team, causing us to risk losing players, or miss out on other opportunities. It's not like waiting on Modano costs us an opportunity to offer Kovalchuk a 106 year contract for $8 billion or something. It just means we have less to yammer about during this pain in the ass hockeyless nightmare known as summer.

I guess what I'm saying is, there's other shit to worry about. You know, like

"The Winged Wheel's List of Other Shit to Worry About"

  • The Fisher-Underwood Wedding. I mean, come on! This holy union of two universal superstars is as life-altering as anything will ever be. Just like those who were around will never forget where they were when they heard that JFK was shot, I cannot imagine anyone alive today will forget the Fisherwood wedding. I imagine some day sitting my grandchildren down to tell them the story of  the blonde with nice tits and the hockey player that people have only heard about because he's married to the blonde with nice tits. It's as romantic and timeless as the story of Cinderella and Prince Charming, Woody Allen and his creepy daughter-wife, or Mel Gibson and unfiltered racism. Matches made in heaven.
  • The World Cup. I know that it's over now, but at the time, caring about soccer became a requisite activity. It doesn't matter now mind-numbingly boring it is, or the fact that it's a Title 9 sport only truly cherished in the third world. If you didn't make it part of your daily life to miss work to watch  two countries - who's main exports consisted of disease and mail order brides - battle it out for several hours while the sound of a swarm of angry mutant bees permeated your entire being, slowly trying to convince you to grab a weapon and go on a rampage... then you were a shitty citizen of Earth.  Even the tried and true excuse of "Oh, I'm sorry... I thought this were 'Merica" doesn't get you out of pretending to love something so excruciating once every four years. 
  • Preparing to take down the 2010 Stanley Cup Champions. It's going to be a tall order to ensure that Chicago doesn't manage to repeat their Cup winning performance next season. In order to regain their division crowns, the Wings are going to have to focus, preparing to take down all three of their forwards. Ha, yeah. Nevermind.
  • The long term effects of all the drugs taken at the Zetterberg wedding. Not long ago, Z tied the knot. Apparently, he and everyone invited celebrated by dropping a silly amount of acid, and dressing up like it was 1932 and they were all going to pile into Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and take a nice jaunt to the beach. We should be concerned, because a large contingent of Wings' players were in attendance, clearly under the influence of powerful hallucinogens. Take Homer for example:
  • Whether or not Aaron Downey will make the team. After a year hiatus, Downey has been invited to training camp. He really wants to make the big club. In related news, I really want to beat Lou Farigno in an arm wrestling competition while a choir of elves sing praises about me in pig latin and Whinny Cooper gives me a full-body oil massage without using her hands. Dreams.
  • What the hell you are all going to do with yourselves while I'm in Canada doing nothing but drinking ice cold Alexander Keiths. Almost immediately after I publish this post, I'm off for a week in the Canadian wilderness. I'm sure as soon as I've crossed the border and lose cell phone reception and internet capabilities Antti Niemi will receive a $60 billion and free hj's for life arbitration award, Modano will sign with the Wings, and Gary Bettman will be hit by a plane. But alas, I will not be able to share it with those of you with the stomach to handle my drivel until I return. Hey, maybe J Rock will finally write something (nudge, nudge). 
Hopefully, this list will help keep your minds off of Mikey Mo's decision to do something rational for a little while, and you'll be able to focus on what is really important: laughing at Chicago's collapse. See you all in a week.

...is it October yet?


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