18 April 2010

The March to 12: Special courtroom edition.

Bear Jesus, I wish I were in Detroit right about now.

Playoff hockey at the Joe is like nothing else. When you hear "there's electricity in the air" on broadcasts or in print, it sounds like some colorful language for "hey, there are some happy, excited, drunk people here!" But no. For playoff Hockey at the Joe, the air is actually electric. Thousands of Detroit faithful pour into the stands with the confidence and excitement that a downright dynasty brings. I haven't felt that anywhere else. Certainly not at the United Center. Not even game 4 of the Western Conference Finals. Bandwagoners just don't really know how to bring it.

So, uh, how 'bout them Red Wings, eh?

I'm not really sure what to call that last game. Seven goals for is fucking amazing. Four goals against, not so much. The good news is that each of those four goals could be avoided if the defense had started that game as strong as they finished. Hopefully Kronwall can figure his shit out. He looked worse than I've ever seen.

The tipping point came somewhere in the middle of the second there. The Wings simply decided they were tired of sucking, and went ape shit. It's like a flip was switched, and everyone on the team simultaneously remembered what it was like to lose the Cup on home ice last year. They all started pressing, hitting, driving the net. The Wings put forth an octopus-worthy performance in the second half of the game. Speaking of which.

According to the Coyotes radio broadcaster Todd Walsh's twitter feed:
My sources tell me that the two men who threw the octopus (plural?)on the ice are off to jail and $300 lighter. I prefer lobster myself.
Ahem. What?
My sources tell me tha...
No, no. I heard you. I'm just astounded. To arrest and jail someone for following a half-century long playoff tradition is absurd.

Well, the Winged Wheel digged deep. We were so amazed by this story that we had to find out more. Luckily for you, we managed to come across a transcript for the arraignment of the valiant octopi-lauchers. Enjoy.

  • Bailiff: Now calling case number 041610-19
  • Judge: Counsel, are we ready to proceed.
  • State's counsel: Yes, your honor.
  • Defense counsel: Yes, your honor.
  • Judge: Good. Prosecution, what charges are you bringing here?
  • State's counsel: Well, your honor, the state seeks to indict the defendants on several charges, including First Degree Tomfoolery, Aggravated Horse Play, and Public Nonsense.
  • Judge: I see. And from what alleged activity do these charges arise?
  • State's counsel: Well your honor, the defendants concealed formerly living octopuseseses, and caused them to become airborn on a trajectory leading to the ice at the...
  • Judge: Wait, they tossed them to the ice?
  • State's counsel: Yes your honor.
  • Judge: How does this court have jurisdiction over this case? This is the desert, counsel. There's no ice here.
  • State's counsel: Oh! No, no. At the hockey game. They tossed octopi...
  • Judge: At the what?
  • State's counsel: Um, at the hockey game, your honor.
  • Judge: Hockey?
  • State's counsel: Yes, your honor. It's the playoffs. The Phoenix Coyotes are playing the Detroit Red Wings and...
  • Judge: Hockey?
  • State's counsel: Um, yes your honor. You remember! You heard a case a few years back involving Wayne Gretzky's wife and gambling... ooh, or in Bankruptcy court last summer...
  • Judge: Hockey...
  • State's counsel: Yes, your honor. It's played on skates, with a puck, on a sheet of ice. Surely in this booming hockey mecca you've seen a game.
  • Judge: Wait... if it's played on ice why the fuck does Phoenix have a team?
  • State's counsel: ...uhh... nevertheless, your honor. These defendants shockingly threw slimy tentacled beings to the playing surface at the game.
  • Judge: And why would they do that?
  • State's counsel: Well, your honor. Apparently it's a 60 year tradition for Detroit fans to...
  • Judge: 60 years?
  • State's counsel: Yes, your honor.
  • Judge: Listen, if hockey had been around for 60 years, I certainly would have heard about it by now.
  • Defense counsel: Actually, your honor, hockey's been around for over a century.
  • Judge: Bullshit. We've had a hockey team for almost 100 years?
  • State's counsel: No, your honor. 14 to be exact. The comissioner - you probably remember him from bankruptcy court, he's a short little weasley evil looking guy - decided move the team from Winnipeg to increase revenue and...
  • Judge: Wait... to increase revenue? The guy brought a sport played on ice from Canada to the desert to make more money? Are you fucking shitting me!?
  • State's counsel: Um, no your honor.
  • Judge: Huh. Ok, well, Defense, how do you plead to the charges brought against you.
  • Defense counsel: What charges?
  • Judge: The very serious charges brought against you by the state! Your clients stand to face a considerable amount of prison time if they are convicted!
  • Defense counsel: Of... First Degree... Tomfoolery?
  • Judge: Indeed! We take this very seriously in Phoenix.
  • Defense counsel: Then, uh, I guess we'll plead "Are you out of your fucking minds?"
  • Judge: Ooh, fair enough. Prosecution, do you have any witnesses.
  • Defense counsel: Wait... this is an arraignment, there are no witnesses.
  • Judge: Fuck you. Prosecution?
  • State's counsel: Yes, your honor. The state calls Robert Lang to the stand.
  • Defense table: Uncontrollable laughter.

Unfortunately, that's about where the transcript cuts off. It's my understanding that the defense table was completely unable to compose themselves at the sight of Robert Lang, and his testimony only caused further hysterics, causing even the defense attorney to be convicted of First Degree Tomfoolery. Their punishment? They've got to live in Arizona.

Game three bitches, in front of a pumped as fuck Detroit crowd. Light those flamethrowers on the Jumbotron... lets show these fuckers how to play a hockey game.


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